So I am kind of a stuck point in my life again. I don't really know what way I want to go with my life. I think part of it is that I am scared, and part of it is I don't have the motavation that I need. I need something to push me through and sometimes that is just so hard to find.

Dalila is getting so big and she is so wonderful. I could not ask for anything more. She is rotten sometimes but I would not trade her for anything! I love her more than life itself. She is such a blessing.

I often wonder about what has become of alot of people, and what made them turn out the way they did. Am I the only one who does that lol?

I want to learn to play guitar so freaking bad.

So, the baby will be here any day now..."HINT HINT LITTLE MISS LILA...IT IS TIME TO POP YOUR FACE OUT!"

Anywho, once she gets here I get to start working again & Mike and I should be moved shortly after depending on his job status.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

All there is left to do now is wait on Lila, everything is ready for her. My baby shower was totally awesome by the way!!!

ugh... and I have been having some awful contractions...

debating weather a visit to the hospital is nessicary tonight....

*sigh.

Only 143 more days to go, not that it's to near in the future but it is creeping up slowly. By the way, it's a girl *yay* and I have her first name but I am still debating on her middle name. I am kinda excited my mother is not talking to me anymore because I dont have her hounding me to name my daughter after her dead friend that I barely even knew, Instead grandpa asked me to include his middle name "lee" somewhere in her name. If it was a boy I would simply just give him the middle name lee but for a girl it's not pretty enough.

So far all I have come up with is Shayleen, Kayleen and Aleen (AH LEEN). Maybe I should consult grandpa on this and see what he thinks lol. Incase you also were not informed her first name is Dalila (Duhh liiiiieeeeeee lahhhhhhhh) haha but she will just be called Lila. I think if I named her Lila Shayleen it would be cute to call her Lila Shay. I always have liked the name Shay... fucking adroable I don't care what you think.

I am getting big, thats all there is to it (but I am still 2 pounds under from what I started at). Lila kicks alot to and pokes her head or butt out sometimes and it sticks out of my stomach. I can never tell which is which of course but I would almost guess it was her little hiney simply because on the ultrasound all she wanted to do was show it off!

Dad calls to check on me alot. I hope he gets to come up when she is born... especially because my mother wont be there (which only means less stress for me). I do miss him and the boys a bunch though.

I am going to start working at a daycare with Carrie which is actually a good idea because I will never have to pay for daycare while I am at work *BRIGHT IDEA*!

I might just get married next week seeing as my mother canceled my insurance (so she says) and Mike has really good insurance and she would totally shit her pants when she finds out about that... haha. It would be short and sweet (you know at the justice of peace or w/e) and then next year when we can afford it we will get remarried and have a nice wedding.

I should start calling her a crack head simply because I was accused of it, and I should talk bad about her to.

I should but wont.

Nap time. I am out. <3

*mashedpotatoes and gravy sound excelent right about now huh?

I find out if I am having a boy or a girl (on may 10th)

I am excited. This is like christmas/birthday/wedding all in one.

People... they suck. As usual. Pretty much most of them are piles of shit so its all good.

Oh and I move to whitmore lake......

tomorrow.

gayness.

and I looked down at my belly... it was so weird... because its getting big... aww!



/bulletin entry from myspace.


Everyone is making a big fucking deal about the shootings that occurred today in Virginia.

First off two weeks from now you won't even remember that any of this happend.

Secondly... the odds of that being a random act of violence is highly unlikely. My guess would be someone did something to piss someone off, because we as americans don't give a shit about other people or how we treat them. All that matters to us is that we get ours no matter who we have to step on, use or walk all over. Some of us (not all but there are quite a few) even go as far as making sure we have WAY more than we need. Yeah pretty much hun, you dont need 150 pairs of shoes and 150 purses to match. You owning all that nice stuff is not going to make up for you being such a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Secondly let's look at just some statistics here... (just to give you an idea)

Innocent civilians reported killed by military intervention in Iraq 67,364

American Military Casualties in Iraq 24,645

Every day, almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes-one child every five seconds.

But who gives a flying fuck about them right? If they are not in our country and we don't have to fucking see it then its not our problem right? Oh no wait let me guess, you're one of those people who think its not my country not my problem? Wrong.

It makes me sick to see people posting bulletins and this being all over the news... "Oh its so tragic" well I got some news for you ... Open you god damn eyes and look at what else is going on around the world... What is tragic is you don't notice any of it until it becomes to close for comfort... Then it becomes a big deal.

Don't get me wrong those that passed do deserve the respect of being remembered, I just feel that if your going to make a big deal out of something... make sure that something is worth making a big deal out of in the first place.

All I can see making a big deal out of this is going to bring is more situations happening like this. People with "problems" are going to look at this and have more motivation to be pushed over the edge and think well if this guy can do it so can I.


Thanks for listening.

-Cort

(p.s. If you disagree with me... you can take your opinion and shove it up your ass) <3


Slash...

I love you. /hug

xoxo

So I am due October 13th...

I feel baby wiggling around ALL the time now...

It tickles...

I vomit...

way more than any woman ever should

without my medication...

I have a little belly...

You would think I just ate to many candy bars though...

I am always hungry...

and I am moving to florida in a year. (woot woot)

I have come to conclude.... I suck...... Yes... I do. No one ever even updates these gay things anymore.....


I am so lost and confused......... but at the same time.... I am really not.... how weird?

I have to block out thoughts of you, so i don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all thew things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you